2012, The Hurt Locker, The Hangover: Varying Degrees of Suck.

This week I watched 3 hyped movies that I found to be average at best; 2012, The Hurt Locker and The Hangover.

Woody Harrelson Dies In It

The first one I forgave because it never really promised to be anything more than just another corny disaster movie. 2012 ranked well below “Independence Day” and “Armageddon”, which of course had a lot of superstar firepower that 2012 did not, but it fell short of even The Day After Tomorrow as what I would call a “good” disaster movie. At one point I shouted “bullshit” and invoked the wrath of my wife telling me to “keep my comments to myself” and literally 60 seconds later heard a “aww that was bullshit” from her, which I laughed at. WTF was Woody Harrelson doing in this film? I guess he owed someone a favor. I haven’t seen anything quite as corny as this since Keanu Reeves jumped a 100′ gap in a highway overpass with a city bus in the movie “Speed”. Overall 3/5 stars from me, and that’s basically an E for effort on the special effects and acknowledgement that the producers never adverstised the film as something it wasn’t.

Body Bombs Are Cool

I had never even heard of “The Hurt Locker” until I heard that it was up against Avatar for some awards. I read some online reviews and hype about it, rented it and watched it. Again, I invoked the wrath of my family with “THIS WAS UP AGAINST AVATAR FOR BEST PICTURE? WTF?”, a phrase which became even more comical (if only to me) as the film dragged on. The producers pissed all over the audience with this one and expected us to completely understand Staff Sargent James by subjecting us to a tense 5 minute dish-washing scene with his wife, which they placed strategically at the end of the movie.  I’m not one of those movie fans that concerns himself with perfect accuracy in war films unless they’re touted as documentaries, which this one did not do. Incorrect uniforms or communications protocols is not at all what irked me about this film.

Unfortunately this movie left me with the feeling that the people that put it together were a bunch of lazy turds that had nothing better to do than to toss together a film that amounts to little more than an inside joke. I can see them now – laughing at a Bennigan’s between bites of their Monte Cristos. 2/5 stars.  If I were James Cameron, I’d divorce Bigelow a second time just to make sure it sticks.

Paging Doctor Faggot

The Hangover. I rented it only because I kept hearing from people saying it was one of the funniest films they had ever seen. 45 Minutes into it my wife and I realized that we hadn’t laughed much and we said so simultaneously.

We honestly wanted to laugh. We were ready to laugh. We just didn’t unless it was a “pity chuckle”.

Although there are a few humorous moments, “Not You, Fat Jesus, him!” they are very few and there’s way too much filler between them. I won’t be quoting lines from this film in years to come like I do from comedy masterpieces like “Blazing Saddles” and “Monty Python’s Holy Grail” or even “Spinal Tap”. Disappointing 2/5

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